Want one

I was chased down the cheese and milk products aisle in Tesco this morning by a crazed woman on a burgundy mobility scooter. She was of the 'too fat to walk' variety, rather than a frail pensioner, so I felt fully justified in putting out my tongue to her after she had passed. I'm bad like that.

And then tonight, via Quiet Man, I see this:

Colin Furze has adapted a conventional electric model into a petrol-engined speedster which has reached an astonishing 69mph.

‘You hear people complaining about scooters going slowly around supermarkets and blocking aisles so I thought it would be a laugh to make a really fast one,’ said Mr Furze, 31, a plumber from Stamford, Lincolnshire.

He's ripped out the standard electric motor and installed one from a 125cc motorbike. The article doesn't say what bike, but I'd assume that this was a restricted engine from a learner bike. 15 bhp sounds about right for a top speed of 69 mph. The Aprilia 125 can be derestricted to about 33 bhp which gets the bike close to the ton, so that shows what possibilities there are for the enthusiastic modifier.

But why stop there? The latest engine from the Suzuki Hayabusa is not much bigger* and it puts out around 197 bhp. That should see a lightened mobility scooter close to 200 mph, if you can stay on it.

What is a little alarming is that Mr Furze is reporting only 10 mpg from the 125cc engine. All I can say is, he must be caning it. I used to get better than that in a 2.25 tonne, 4.6 litre V8 Range Rover. Way better.

Note to my carers: if I ever get too infirm to ride a motorbike, please arrange for me to have one of these. With a turbo.

*OK, I lied. It is a lot bigger. But that's a challenge, not a barrier, right?