Serge Trousers

OK, sorry, I'm in a Bonzo Dog mood today.

I had a lovely email from a chap called Serge today. He wants to advertise on my blog. Here's his letter, together with the reasons why I won't be taking him up on his offer.

Hello!

Er, hello.

I just want to thank you for your wonderful blog goingfastgettingnowhere.blogspot.com.

The last bit isn't part of the blog title, Serge. It's what happens when you copy and paste from the address bar.

I read the post "No-one will notice, no-one will care ..." and then I spent another hour on your blog by reading your posts with pleasure :) Every article is interesting and easy to read. I really like the "'Tis the old wind in the old anger...".

Good formula: I read the post [insert random post title] and then I spent another hour on your blog by reading your posts with pleasure :) Every article is interesting and easy to read. I really like the [insert different random post title]. Note how doing this without proof-reading it afterwards produces some infelicities which a native speaker would have spotted and amended.

I work for xxxx [name redacted] company, we aggregate job adverts around the world.

My job is to persuade bloggers to link to our site.

Aha, now the pleasantries are over we can get down to business!

I really love my job! We have a friendly team and good management,

You didn't say you had a 'passion' for your work. These days, not good enough.

but unfortunately I have no idea how to convince a blogger to link to us, I'm afraid I might lose my job because of it :(

Yes, and your mother in Azerbaijan is dying because she is too poor to have the operation. If I could only wire you some money ... Nah, I am being cynical. That 'frownie' is totally genuine.

And that is why, instead of sending letters to thousands of different blogs, I am reading yours.

And my message only appears to have been mass-produced and minimally tailored to make it seem personal.

Honestly,

Still not won over ...

I am not really sure if the link to our website in United Kingdom - xxxx.com [url redacted], will be appropriate for your blog, but if you believe it will and it is possible to add it, I would be really grateful to you! Our site is really cool, it can greatly help hundreds of people to find jobs.

Please explain how a job-search website would be appropriate for a blog concerned with motorbikes and the custard-ready properties of the Duck-Billed Platypus. Oh, it's 'cool'. That makes all the difference.

I wish you to have a good day and excellent mood!

And I am in wish reverse same for you, thank your mine already, goodness gracious.

Thanks again for your nice blog. Write more! Thanks!

I will! Thanks!

Best regards,

Serge Trousers
Account Manager
(telephone)
(email)
(skype)

Funny, he spent a whole hour reading the blog (even I don't do that!) and he missed this:

Commercial spam will always be deleted. I don't need the few pence that advertising would bring me, and I don't need new friends. If you are interested in an exchange of links, email me and we can discuss it. If you want me to host a link to your Chinese shoe-selling operation or your wonderful source of replica watches, don't bother.

He's not even offering money, not that that would make any difference. Nothing in it for me, so in the bin it goes. Sorry, Serge - nice try.