Serge Trousers

OK, sorry, I'm in a Bonzo Dog mood today.

I had a lovely email from a chap called Serge today. He wants to advertise on my blog. Here's his letter, together with the reasons why I won't be taking him up on his offer.

Hello!

Er, hello.

I just want to thank you for your wonderful blog goingfastgettingnowhere.blogspot.com.

The last bit isn't part of the blog title, Serge. It's what happens when you copy and paste from the address bar.

I read the post "No-one will notice, no-one will care ..." and then I spent another hour on your blog by reading your posts with pleasure :) Every article is interesting and easy to read. I really like the "'Tis the old wind in the old anger...".

Good formula: I read the post [insert random post title] and then I spent another hour on your blog by reading your posts with pleasure :) Every article is interesting and easy to read. I really like the [insert different random post title]. Note how doing this without proof-reading it afterwards produces some infelicities which a native speaker would have spotted and amended.

I work for xxxx [name redacted] company, we aggregate job adverts around the world.

My job is to persuade bloggers to link to our site.

Aha, now the pleasantries are over we can get down to business!

I really love my job! We have a friendly team and good management,

You didn't say you had a 'passion' for your work. These days, not good enough.

but unfortunately I have no idea how to convince a blogger to link to us, I'm afraid I might lose my job because of it :(

Yes, and your mother in Azerbaijan is dying because she is too poor to have the operation. If I could only wire you some money ... Nah, I am being cynical. That 'frownie' is totally genuine.

And that is why, instead of sending letters to thousands of different blogs, I am reading yours.

And my message only appears to have been mass-produced and minimally tailored to make it seem personal.

Honestly,

Still not won over ...

I am not really sure if the link to our website in United Kingdom - xxxx.com [url redacted], will be appropriate for your blog, but if you believe it will and it is possible to add it, I would be really grateful to you! Our site is really cool, it can greatly help hundreds of people to find jobs.

Please explain how a job-search website would be appropriate for a blog concerned with motorbikes and the custard-ready properties of the Duck-Billed Platypus. Oh, it's 'cool'. That makes all the difference.

I wish you to have a good day and excellent mood!

And I am in wish reverse same for you, thank your mine already, goodness gracious.

Thanks again for your nice blog. Write more! Thanks!

I will! Thanks!

Best regards,

Serge Trousers
Account Manager
(telephone)
(email)
(skype)

Funny, he spent a whole hour reading the blog (even I don't do that!) and he missed this:

Commercial spam will always be deleted. I don't need the few pence that advertising would bring me, and I don't need new friends. If you are interested in an exchange of links, email me and we can discuss it. If you want me to host a link to your Chinese shoe-selling operation or your wonderful source of replica watches, don't bother.

He's not even offering money, not that that would make any difference. Nothing in it for me, so in the bin it goes. Sorry, Serge - nice try.

Spamming for the NHS

This morning I received the following email:

Hi,

Can I please ask you to sign this petition that has been started online - it takes a matter of seconds. It has rapidly gained over 30,000 signatures already. Please also circulate the link in any way you can.

http://saveournhs.org/

John Corfield
(Please accept my apologies if I have duplicated this message to you or if I should not have used your email address this way.)

This came to my personal and permanent email address, and it's not one that I give out readily. I'd love to know where John Corfield got it from. Anyway, I replied, pointing out that the email was unwelcome, and that his pre-packaged apologies were not accepted. I was restrained in my language, but that may change.

I will be doing so at regular intervals until I get a reply. I will be writing to John Corfield at info@blackvanilla.org.uk, or possibly phoning him on 07986 066504, until I get an answer. He is an 'artist', making garden sculptures which, from the evidence of his website, seem to be made of lengths of drainpipe, cut'n'shut and painted blue.

I have also emailed the petition organiser chris.meachin@saveournhs.org to complain, and I will be pressing for a reply from him too. Spam is evil, but only when done by wicked capitalists. When it's sent by one of us, for a good reason, it's apparently fine.

I have also told him that his petition is dishonest (what they call 'cuts' should really be described as 'unaffordable increases that are slightly lower than before') and that I will sign it if and when he can show what he would cut instead, given that we have a trillion-plus debt burden that our grandchildren will be paying off when we are long gone.

Anyone else had one of these?

The Perils of Internet Translation

I'm beginning to regret posting a kit report on my recent torch purchase. It has attracted a large number of spam comments, all from the same Australian company, all advertising the virtues of Maglites, and all written in very bad English. I've reported the originator to Blogger, I have left foul and threatening messages on his own blog (one post, 18 months ago, with a comments thread as long as your arm, all saying the same thing: get lost), and I have deleted all the comments without publishing. As the post is over 14 days old, they all come for moderation anyway, so it's no problem.

The first comments were, I think, automatically generated, as the post specifically mentions 'Maglite', and Maglites are what he is selling. All were along the lines of "yes, that is good torch, but I like Maglite torches, they very robust are". But then one came in last night which I thought was written by a human, as it (however wierdly) refers to the context of the post (in a bike blog) as well as the product. The writer calls himself 'German' and the post reads like either bad English from a German, or good German badly auto-translated. I think it's rather charming:

I've ever pioneer the corner of Halfords where they donjon the multipacks of fasteners, washers, electrical connections and added much items to be an extremely multipurpose base. Plus, I do quite measure their slave division.That's an brilliant mullein...two of those strapped to the advance of my Kwak would belike improve dark travel no end!

But then it sort of rang a bell, and I went back to the original post. The first comment was from endemoniada_88:

I've always found the corner of Halfords where they keep the multipacks of fasteners, washers, electrical connections and other such items to be an extremely useful place. Plus, I do quite rate their tool section.

That's an impressive torch...two of those strapped to the front of my Kwak would probably improve night riding no end!

I prefer "belike improve dark travel" myself ...