If the freedom of speech is taken away then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter.

- George Washington

Monday, 22 August 2011

One for all you cat owners out there ...

How to Give a Cat a Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire brigade to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to A&E. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.


  1. And that's why I prefer cats to dogs - it must be the curmudgeon in me.

    Very amusing.

  2. We tried to give a cat a pre journey sedative (e.g. 8) once with the result that my Mother slept the whole length of the M6.

  3. I am reminded of the saying "dogs have owners; cats have staff". I have one of each and I love them both to bits, but I can't pretend that doing things with the cat is easy.

    @Windsock - not a curmudgeon, more a masochist :)

    @Nikos - LOL, a 'sort-of' win, then.

    @Julia - it's like a rite of passage, I suppose. Once you've given a cat a pill, you are instantly comrades with everyone else in the world who has done (or tried) the same.

  4. I have seen this before - no truer words have ever been said about cats. I hate giving our cat his worm pills, never fun. Little bugger has sharp claws at it usually takes both of us to stuff them down his gullet.

  5. Get you wife to hold the cat on a table.
    Grasp the head firmly and tilt up - this will naturally cause the lower jaw to drop a fraction.
    With one finger just pull the lower jaw down and pop the pill down.

  6. @Trobairitz - we usually use the towel method: cuddle cat, wrap in towel, strongest one grips towel and half crushes cat to death, other party makes with the pill dispenser. It works about 30% of the time.

    @Anon - thanks for that link. It confused me a bit because Tabitha was my last-cat-but-one, as well as 'Dr Mike's assistant. And it started with 'first trim your cat's nails'. Well, that puts a fair old hurdle in place before we even start :) But useful advice, and I will try it next time.


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