I am indebted to Juliette [1] for this. The site is by a chap who believes, among other things, that you can cure mental illness by slapping people over the ears. Just have a browse around the site; you will fall about laughing.
Decades ago I discovered a cure for mental health problems. The cure, which I term the Kadir-Buxton Method, has been used on a wide variety of mental health problems. The procedure stuns and resets the brain of the patient, so that the patient returns to a normal condition. The Kadir-Buxton Method is done by making a fist of both hands, and striking both ears of the patient at exactly the same time and pressure with the soft part of the inner hand which is where the thumb joins the hand. The arrow in Figure 1 shows this point for your ease of use. (There follows a 'you are here' type photograph, showing the thumb.)
Read on, because it is preposterous. But he can do other things too, such as curing infertility by - yes - reaching his hand into a woman's Fallopian tubes and clearing out blockages. But it's not as simple as just sticking your hand in, oh no:
When it came to withdrawing my hand we found that the cervix was stretched open. With experimentation we found that tickling the cervix and going round it slowly shut the cervix. This is in itself useful because many babies can be lost when cervixes open prematurely. At present they need a stitch to keep the cervix shut, and this stitch has to be taken out at child birth. Some women, mainly prostitutes, have permanently open cervixes which is a problem in both conceiving, and in carrying babies to term.
And this odd observation:
All blockages that I have found have been dead bacteria, or sometimes lemonade which is a result of a country wide practice of lesbians at Universities.
So now you know. Apparently he also invented 'Economy 7' electricity, can bring people back from the dead by kicking them, advocates the analysis of Mr Spock to increase intelligence, and has a cure for Alzheimer's.
The guy is an utter fruitloop, and makes David Icke look sane. I don't think it's a spoof, as it isn't funny enough. It's bizarre rather then comedic. Read it and weep, for whatever reason.
[1] I should put a plug for Juliette's blog here. She is painfully self-aware, and her analysis of life and the dating game is perhaps a little jaundiced, but she can be laugh-out-loud funny and devastatingly sharp. Well worth a read, if you haven't read her before.
I took a look at the great man's website...and I dunno. It's so far out there, it's tempting to say it must be a wind-up. There again, a cursory web search has him being interviewed by local newspapers about his inventions (the Geothermal Turbine, for example) - so perhaps he really is just an utter, utter loon.
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"I invented the Kadir-Buxton Method twenty six years ago, and during this time over 35,000 mentally ill citizens have killed themselves or someone else in the UK alone". Using the Method? Had he hoped for higher numbers?
Then:
"I have personally resuscitated someone after twenty six minutes, which is far longer than conventional methods. Yes, this method does have its limits, and an attempt to use it on someone who had been dead for three and a half hours was a failure, but practically everyone is less than twenty six minutes away from trained medical staff". The secret is to stamp on the body, really hard, apparently. Not funny in itself, but the caveat is awesome: "Finally, the patient should be taken to hospital as soon as possible as there is a reason for them dying in the first place, which should be treated."
And, of course:
"At the age of 12 I invented Economy 7 to cut pollution and put the idea to Prime Minister Harold Wilson. For this 'crime' Ted Heath attempted to assassinate me. He killed a 14 year old boy in a local school who he thought was the inventor of Economy 7. For the rest of his political career Ted Heath boasted of killing the inventor of Economy7, even when he knew I was alive. Even today some Conservative Party Members believe that I am dead. Ted Heath is obviously one of the worst Prime Ministers we have had." He was, but not necessarily for the somewhat libellous reason given here.
Beyond parody. Perhaps even beyond genius. I can only say that his site and those who follow him had me laughing aloud...and echo the sentiments of someone who signed his online petition as: "Please stop this man slapping my head then trying to Handclap up my chuff"!
Almost as good as Al Gore inventing the internet. He did, you know!
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