They're all at it!

What's happening? Is it a peak time for sunspots, or something?

First Gordon Brown taking to the airwaves to blub publicly and tell us all that he loved his mother. Now this. Tiger Woods tells a room full of assembled journalists, and through them, the world:

I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behaviour.

What? I'm sorry, but why are you telling me? Listen, mate - you have been caught cheating on your wife. The only person you should be apologising to is her, and possibly your parents, for embarrassing them. There is no need to apologise to the 'Mrrkin People', or to the Sport of Gahlf, or to some random bloke blogging away in West Wales via the miracle of satellite. We have not been wronged by your porkings, and nor do we deserve an apology. It is irrelevant.

I simply don't care. I really don't. It matters as little to me as learning what the Duke of Edinburgh had for breakfast this morning.

The speech reminded me of nothing more than a naughty boy in primary school, who has been caught tearing pages out of library books. "Now, not only have you let us all down, but you have let yourself down, and I want you to stand up in class and say sorry to everyone." And he stands up, with a slight blush and a glint of determination in his eye, and says the words that teacher wants him to say, with a lot of sincerity, and after that he can be a good boy again.

I'll tell you what I really wanted Tiger to say:

Listen, guys, it has cost me a lot of money, a wrecked car, and possibly my marriage, but bloody hell it was worth it. All that totty; I couldn't believe how much was on offer. I was like a kid in a sweetshop, and don't tell me any of you would have been different in my position. Now, I need to get home, sort this out with Elin privately, and then see where I go from here. Thanks for listening.