Shirt Potatoes

... being the most polite way of saying 'tits' in a blogpost header.

Specifically, plastic ones. Or 'enhanced', to use a term the owner and her surgeon would probably prefer. I'm sure no-one can have missed the furore about the implants provided by the French firm PIP, which are full of industrial silicone and apparently prone to popping while in situ. Latest from the Beeb here.

Part of the debate is about whether the state should pay for their removal, if this proves to be the recommended solution. My view is that they should not be. If you are stupid enough to undergo a non-essential major surgical procedure for the sake of your vanity, that's up to you, but if it goes wrong, I am sorry, but it's down to you to put it right. I would hope the clinics involved will fund the procedures out of sheer guilt and a desire for good PR, but if they won't or can't, then you are like any other consumer of a defective product - sue or walk away. I most expressly exclude from this opinion anyone who has had reconstructive surgery, augmentation or reduction for genuine medical purposes. For those people I have the deepest sympathy and I believe the NHS should step in. If that means I am guilty of dividing women into 'good' and 'bad' recipients of breast surgery, then so be it. If anyone thinks that a woman who has lost a breast, or part of one, to cancer can be compared with a woman who just wanted bigger norks 'cos it gives me confidence, innit', then they are either stupid or not paying attention.

I don't know anyone who has fake boobs, and I certainly have never knowingly, er, fondled one. I do know someone who had breast reduction surgery on the NHS, though. She was blessed/cursed from an early age with the most colossal basketballs known to medical science. They made her utterly miserable, she couldn't wear normal clothes, they gave her backache, they stopped her taking normal exercise, and they attracted the bully at school and the dinosaur jokester at work. She loathed them, and her doctor supported her in having them drastically reduced on the NHS. Today, she is a pleasant and proportionate C-cup, roughly (that's a Mk 1 eyeball observation, by the way, not a confirmed measurement), and she is a confident and happy woman. She's also a very pretty woman, and now when you look at her you think 'what a pretty girl' rather then 'how does she stand up?' I have no problem with that at all.

But getting bigger/firmer/perkier bosoms because the man in your life demands it/you think you're 'worth it'/you lack confidence with your modest chest configuration/you think it will help your career are most definitely NOT sound reasons to have major non-essential surgery. Your body, your choice - if you want to have it done, don't let me stand in your way. But don't expect me to pay for it to be done, or to fix it when it goes wrong. (And I'll cut you the same deal on the penis enlargement that Russian bloke keeps writing to me about.)

I've seen those ladies on the internet with their fake grapefruit-shaped bazongas, and frankly they are a massive turn-off. Nice, firm, gravity-defying boobs are one thing, but when they keep their identical shape even when you lie down, something looks amiss. And when they are spherical, rather then the natural teardrop shape, than I am afraid it tickles my giggle-gland and all desire goes out of the window.

Ladies, I will let you into a secret. We chaps don't really care. We like you small or large, pert or saggy, firm or squishy. Braeburns or spaniels' ears, bee-stings or bazongas, pointing at the sky or knocking your kneecaps, no worries. We are so glad you have them, and are so delighted that you have chosen to share them with us, that we really aren't bothered about minor details like that. Please don't think we would be anything other than disturbed if you decided to alter them.

And if your man thinks that your body is so unacceptable to him that you ought to undergo surgery, then you are with the wrong man.